Friday, 28 February 2014

Dealing With A Narcissist - Closing The Door On A Toxic Loved One.

 

 
"Narcissists have no enemies. They have only Sources of Narcissistic Supply. An enemy means attention means supply. One holds sway over one’s enemy. If the narcissist has the power to provoke emotions in you, then you are still a Source of Supply to him, regardless of which emotions are provoked."
 

S. Vaknin



I'm fascinated by the narcissist. What makes them tick, why do they become so self absorbed, what causes this damaging personality trait and do they actually care about the people in their lives that they are supposed to love? My fascination began when I was forced to analyse my own father and his lack of interest in me, which over time I have come to realise runs much deeper than just a lack of interest. I realise now that he has a narcissistic personality disorder.

Heavy stuff I hear you murmur, but the truth is we have all encountered a narcissist at some point in our lives and a lot of the time we may not have even realised. However, sometimes it may be a close friend or family member and their narcissistic behaviour has more than likely caused you distress, heartache, frustration or pain during or even throughout the whole of your relationship.

A narcissistic feels no empathy, has no conscience, refuses to recognise that others have needs and completely ignores the feelings of anyone in their lives. They tend to think of themselves as better than everyone else in their circle, are shallow and judgemental. They often live in a fantasy world of success and power. They consider themselves to be the best at what they do whether it in trade, sport or motherhood, which you might argue that there is nothing wrong with having confidence in our abilities, self confidence is a good quality isn't it? And yes, most of the time it is, however, to someone with a narcissistic personality disorder, their self confidence is more like a grandiose sense of self-importance and they are envious of others but think that everyone else envious of them. They bully, manipulate, exploit, lie, deny and deceive to achieve his or her own ends.


Sadly, I have more narcissists in my family than the average person and even though I realised quite early on with my own father, it took me a lot longer to realise that others I loved were also very toxic with narcissistic traits. Family members who verbally abuse, bully, manipulate and deceive have no place in my life or my heart and I have had to come to terms with the fact that they care only for themselves. 

It is a harsh lesson to learn. And it really gives me no comfort that these people will end up lonely, in fact I feel pity for them and a deep sadness. These people are the takers of our world. Takers who leave nothing but pain and destruction in their wake. Their narcissistic traits are so severe that they cause havoc and hurt in the lives of others, especially those closest. They will never change because they honestly do no believe that they have a problem and that their destructive behaviour actually works for them so why do they need to change, it is everyone else who has the problem, not them. Simply put, they cannot see the damage that they inflict on others.
  
In my honest opinion the only way to get what you need emotionally from a narcissistt is to keep the hell away from them. Yep, I said it, keep your distance. Don't try and heal the rift because it will never work, even during times when they are being nice, charming or on the rare occasion offering to help you out with something. It will only be because they want something bigger back from you, they want to hurt or use you all over again. 

It isn't easy to walk away from a narcissist, believe me, it hurts like hell but for your own sanity and sense of self worth you have to close the door behind them. As a writer I have a release, my writing. My words spill out on to my page and I feel a huge sense of relief, the pain almost disapears. Writing is cathartic and people who dont write, dont get it. Why I might feel the need to document my thoughts baffles them, but it enables me to gain a better perpective. I find it a powerful healing tool.

So, my advice if you are struggling to cope with a narcissist is is to move on with your life and after time the feeling of relief you feel is immense from no longer having to deal with such negative people in your life. All these types of people bring to your table is drama, negative, destructive, toxic drama. Do yourself a massive favor and walk away.



You might Also Be Interested in Toxic People And What To Do About Them.

13 comments:

  1. I hope you do more writing ! You must write that book as you really have the skill . Nan loved to write and would have been very proud xx

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  2. Good.luck with your book writing endeavour - yiu deserve great success! Nice new banner, by the way!

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  3. Very moving (and enlightening) post. I'm pretty sure I'm lucky enough not to know anyone like this, but your post is a real insight into how hard it would be. Like you, I find writing a brilliant way of getting things out of my system. Many people don't get why we would do that, but many people do :)

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    1. It is very stressful having people like this in your life. I seem to draw them in, lol. The need to write is overwhelming isn't it. I guess it stems back to all those years of diary writing for me xxx

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  4. And I couldn't agree more..... and it's an exact description of my dad too! X

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    1. Having a narcissist for a dad is no fun at all is it, sending you a hug xxx

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  5. When I was younger, one of my closest friends was a narcissist. and honestly, it was the worst relationship I'd ever had in my life. Caused me so much pain and anguish! We're still in touch and she does actually seem to have changed a lot as we've gotten older but I sometimes wonder if it just seems that way because I don't know her as well any more? Very interesting post x

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    1. In my personal experience the narcissist never really changes, those type of friends are best left at a distance, they thrive on drama's. Sorry to hear she caused you so much upset in the past xxx

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  6. It's such a shame that there are so many people like this around, initially I thought they were just emotion-less but when I looked up narcissist it was like reading their personality profile! Fabulous advice and I agree with you 100%, walk away.

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    1. It makes me feel really sad that there are so many people like it Lou, it actually breaks my heart. Life is much more peaceful without them in it though, thats for sure xxx

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